Downer day

Have you ever had one of those days where you felt like a horrible failure? Everything you've done feels like it has not amount to anything. I am LDS mom of four healthy kids and a very supportive husband. I have done everything my church has told me to do and gone a extra mile or two on top of it. Yet I don't feel happy. I think to myself why? I am doing everything my church, my parents, my leaders have taught me about the Plan of Happiness and, at the end of the day, I don't feel happy. Not saying that it's everyday but today especially I am feeling that way. Who knows maybe tomorrow I will feel different. But for today I want to express my frustrations of being a very obedient Child of God my whole life, my whole life and yet I cannot recognize my own happiness. I feel like something is desperately wrong with me. I probably should go to a shrink. But I am so independent and I always feel like I can solve anything that comes my way. I grew up military so I am sure that has got somethings to do with it. I feel this pull of my way and Gods way. If I listen to myself am I being selfish? but if I listen to God I not selfish. I am doing His will and that will bring me happiness. I just turned 39 and I am not feeling this happiness. I know I should not complain there are so many tragedies out in the world and my life does not surmount to one ounce of those. But we are taught to look at it through perspective. I can do that and try to tell myself, wow I have so much compared to this family that should make me happy. But it does not folks. Doing that makes me realize i should not complain but it does not make me happy. I know Happiness is a state of mind and I have definitely not figured that one out. Oh and I have read all the books of Pursuit of Happiness and so on. Once again these make you realize it is a choice, no matter what circumstance you are in. But why can't I feel that. Why can't I tell my brain to be happy. Just be Happy! I need to start my own therapy. I need to internalize myself and overcome this. I know I can. That is what is beautiful about waking up to the next day. Life is about learning and growing. We make so many mistakes and we are so hard on ourselves. I beat myself up everyday because I feel like I am not fulfilling a grand opportunity in my life. I don't realize all the little opportunities that add up to what happiness really is. It's the consistency that really matters. I want this instant happiness and I need to recognize the little things - the little hugs, the kids laughter, my husband scratching my back. I think that is what's so hard about happiness. It last for fractions of a second and you have to recognize it. Why being frustrated and unhappy I can recognize with no problem and seems to last forever but it doesn't. I need to change my focus. But my natural enemy likes to focus on the negativity and I need to learn to focus on the positive. It's a challenge for me to do this but I have to for the sake of myself and for the people that I love. For some people being positive is in their nature and it comes easy for them but my nature is not that way. It like the scriptures says that the natural man is an enemy to God. This life and Christ teachings are all about overcoming the natural man. Some days are so so hard. But when we are consistent and can recognize our weaknesses, that's when we can challenge ourselves to be better. Real change comes when we overcome our weaknesses, we have a change of Heart. I've had hard emotional experience (Trials) in my life and that is where my growth comes from. We cannot experience growth without the Trial. But my natural man wants to skip the trial. This unhappiness is my Trial and I have to learn, grow, and overcome it. That is where we change ourselves for the better and overcome the natural man and become more like our Savior. This is what Christ teachings are all about. He knows we fail but that's how we learn or grow spiritually.